BuffaloDad716: Protect Those “Boys”!

Hank had to protect that low blow! - Photo via en.wikipedia.org

Hank had to protect that low blow! – Photo via en.wikipedia.org

As a male you are taught to always protect your boys. By boys I’m not referring to your children, I’m referring to your children makers! I’m sure there’s a time in your childhood that you truly learned just how important of a lesson protecting your boys is. I know I do! I was on the bus on my way from school, and being a typical seven- or eight-year-old boy, I was making fun of a girl. Most likely I liked her, which was why I was calling her names; you know how it is at that age. Well she had enough, and when I got up to let a friend out of the seat to get off the bus that’s when it happened. WHACK! A kick right to the boys! I remember my stomach hurting along with my nether region as I lay on the seat of the bus in the fetal position. From that day on I developed a “spidey sense” per se so I’d be ready for any impending danger to the jingle bells.

Those skills get tested as you get older, and friends think it’s funny to hit you there when you’re not looking. The “game” progresses from just inflicting pain you can laugh at to doing it while causing embarrassment — like at the bar for example. I remember plenty of times I’d have my hands full with beers or be distracted in talking with someone, and… WHACK! A shot to the dice. Best yet, blow up your friends chance of talking with a girl by getting them perfectly dead on just as the girl from across the room they’ve wanted to talk to comes walking by. By the time I had kids though, those years were far behind me. My spidey sense had lain dormant for years; until my kids became mobile.

We all have seen the funny home videos of parents being hit in the chestnuts by their kids. Usually, it follows an act the parent did; like throwing a baseball or standing behind them when they are swinging the bat. However, that’s not the case when they are ages one-and-a-half to four. Pretty much every move they make targets the middle of your body. Coming home from work? Expect to be greeted with a “Yay! Daddy’s home!” and then a shot to the junk, either a headbutt or fist as they are trying to hug you. Lying on the couch? Expect a random frog splash when they just want to come lay with you. Did you buy them a new toy? Expect to get hit a minimum of six times the first hour as they say “OH COOL! Daddy look it!” and then proceed to slam it down on your lap as hard as possible while they say “See? See?”

Keep your head up! - Photo via steamcommunity.com

Keep your head up! – Photo via steamcommunity.com

One day, as I was writhing in pain, I thought I would explain to my three-year-old that he needs to be careful around that area on me. Of course, I used the word penis and explained it really hurts guys when hit there. A few days went by and I hadn’t been knocked in the nads, and he even made what seemed to be efforts to avoid it. I thought to myself: Great! I did it! He would even come up to me when sitting or lying down and pat gently around that area like my legs or belly and ask “is that you penis?” Again, I was like: yes! He learned not to hit me there. Then one day he did the “is that your penis?” but instead of gently hitting a different spot on me, he whacked me about as hard as he could right in the junk! A few days later, we were eating lunch, and my wife asked him what he did with his fork. He generally pretends its an airplane or something so it ends up on the floor or thrown across the room. This time however he told my wife he hid it and when she asked where he said “it’s in my penis!” Talk about an epic failure! I didn’t teach my kid anything except how to say the word penis. Now I’m the parent of a three-year-old that’s going to say penis and going to say it A LOT!

No one needs this! - Photo via www.dailymail.co.uk

No one needs this! – Photo via http://www.dailymail.co.uk

So the moral of the story, dads, is: always be prepared because there’s no teaching or reasoning with kids at that age! It’s all about self defense. Work on blocking and redirecting techniques. You’ll want to master turning to the side and slightly bending a knee in the case of a running headbutt upon greeting your arrival at home from work. Also, you can use your non-dominant arm as a blocker. If all else fails, I strongly suggest buying underwear you can stick a cup in. That way you can keep it in the car and quickly insert it prior to entering the dwelling! If all else fails, always keep some frozen peas or soft ice packs at the ready in the freezer. Trust me; you’re going to need them! Good luck dads and future dads! You’re going to need it!

By: @buffalodad716

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