Buffalo Dad: When Hollywood Gets Your Childhood Cartoon Movies So Wrong!

turtles_veryaware_comAs a dad with two boys, I’m excited to share with them the things I liked when I was little. Whether it is favorite foods, toys, sports, games or cartoons, I look forward to seeing if they get the same enjoyment I did, and I get to relive my childhood a little. Technology has made bringing my favorite cartoon and comic characters to life a reality — an AWESOME reality I must say! It all started with the X-men movies and casting Hugh Jackman as the perfect Wolverine character. Super hero movies have since exploded with great movies like X-men, Wolverine, Spiderman, Batman, transformers, Ironman, Thor, Capt. America and The Avengers. But as Johnathan Kent told Superman, “with great power comes great responsibility,” so too must Hollywood heed those words!

avengers_www_slate_comFor every good movie there have been plenty of duds, leaving you wondering what the heck the writers, producers and directors were thinking. Look at the first G.I. Joe movie for example, some of the secondary characters they hit on but they bombed on the main ones. I mean, come on Hollywood, Channing Tatum as Duke? Seriously? Marlon Wayans is supposed to be the best of the best our fighting forces can offer? Yeah, I’m with you; I don’t think so either! Then totally wrecking Cobra commanders look by showing his face, which was something that was never done in the cartoon! It amazes me that Hollywood bombed so much on a cartoon-turned-movie that should be box office gold! Fortunately, they made amends in the second G.I. Joe, bringing to life the childhood toys and characters I watched as a kid. Watching duke explode in that movie still brings such an overwhelming amount of joy!

GI_Joe_www_walldevice_comThere have been other terrible movies like, Green Lantern, Hancock, and both recent Hulk movies. It’s a little sad that 25 years later a bodybuilder spray painted green is still the best Hulk! I’m also assuming someday someone will figure out how to make a good Superman movie. With all those bad movies, you’d think Hollywood would have learned its lesson. Unfortunately, Hollywood is like the three-year-old that just doesn’t listen when you tell him to stop trying to eat the dog poop in the backyard. They decided to put Michael Bay in charge of remaking one of the largest, most popular, most successful franchises from the late 80s through the 90s: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! Unfortunately, the ridiculous monsters that hit the theatres August 8th are far from the Turtles back then, and the film takes the award for one of the worst Hollywood reboots of all time!

If you grew up with the live action movies like me, you know how bad but good the original movies were with the normal-sized, real people dressed in foam turtle suits with animatronic moving mouths and voice-over. Compared to the new Michael Bay version, those old 90s ones are masterpieces! Seriously, they should go back and give those guys every award Hollywood has! I knew this movie was doomed as soon as I heard Megan Fox was cast for April O’Neil and that Bay was going to make the movie about alien turtles and remove the “Mutant” aspect. All I could picture was ridiculous looking turtle creatures, explosions, and Megan Fox running in slow motion, perfectly clean, with not one scratch or ounce of dirt on her. All the while she’s in the middle of a thousand explosions and battle scenes. What they gave us wasn’t far off.

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Midway through shooting, they released photos of real people in grey spandex suits with giant shells on their backs and sensors all over their costumes. Based on how the turtles looked in the movie, they would have been better off just using those guys in those spandex suits and just putting those plastic turtle Halloween masks on them. You know, the ones with that flimsy rubber band that easily breaks?

Bay didn’t make Turtles, he made creepy, scary, mutant thugs in colored bandanas that are supposed to be six feet tall in the movie but appear to be eight feet tall and built larger than Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson! He turned Raphael into a scarred up, tattooed monster with an imitation, booming Christian Bale as Batman “Where is she” voice! He turned Donatello into a super geek with glasses and weird inventions all over his body. While Michelangelo was turned into a creepy catcalling turtle-monster far from the cheeky humorous mutant turtle we knew and loved as a kid. They still ate pizza at least. Bay didn’t stop there. Oh, no. He also made them bulletproof and made the Foot Clan a band of masked thugs equipped with guns instead of ninja skills. He created some weird backstory that ties everyone together and made April seem like a dumb teenage girl running around with her cell phone taking photos instead of the best news reporter in the city.

CartoonShredder_adventuresinpoortaste_comOk, so my venting is helping and you probably think that’s it, there’s no way he wrecks it anymore, right? Wrong! Let’s talk Shredder, the main bad guy since the beginning of TMNT time! Bay turns Shredder into a secondary bad guy with some kind of mechanical super suit that didn’t just make him super strong and almost invincible. Oh no no no! To shredder_www_hitfix_comgo along with the ridiculous suit, Bay added eight swords that pop out of his forearms from his super suit that can also be fired like missiles and then magnetically returned to the suit to be fired again. Now, if you were wearing a super heavy mechanical super suit you might think it would slow you down a little bit, right? Bay again ignored the laws of physics as he makes Shredder move faster than the bulletproof turtles, yet be able to crush their bullet proof shells by stepping on them in his super suit. So I guess if you can get over the poorly imagined and designed eight foot tall super turtles, the ridiculousness of his super shredder, the weird backstory he creates, and April’s method of discovery of their origins, Megan Fox as April O’Neil, the ninja-less Foot Clan, and scenes that happen so fast you’ll get motion sickness, then this movie may be right for you!

.goombas_blog_dawnoftheninja_comThough Hollywood missed on this movie, they have hit big with the Avengers, Thor, Ironman, Capt. America, the X-men, all the Spidermans, and the Wolverine films. If we learned anything from Hollywood, it’s that in movies you can always go back and atone for mistakes as they did in G.I. Joe 2 and X-men: Days of Future Past. Though the new TMNT has disappointed me and the turtles look like goombas from the 90s Super Mario movie, my three-year-old loves the old turtles cartoon and the non-movie version toys. Plus, thanks to amazon, I can still buy my old toys I had as a kid (since they don’t make them like they use to) and help my kids spend hours trying to defeat the evil plots of Krang and Shredder.

As always, thanks for reading, and let me know what you think. What movies do you love? Hate? Want to see made? What do you share with your kids from your past? Leave me a comment here and make sure you’re following us on twitter @buffalodad716 and @wgoinbuffalo, and remember that being a dad is just being a big kid with responsibilities!

By: Buffalo Dad

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